Treading water

So you know I was telling you yesterday how I was just floating downstream? Well, the current stopped. I feel like I’m at a standstill. I’m not drowning nor am I moving forward towards any kind of progress. I’m just…here.

Back to treading water, I suppose.

I’m sure it has to do with the fact I had horrific nightmares last night. Lots of rejection from my family. It was weird yet painful at the same time. Fellow dance teachers were there for support as I was sorting through old recital costumes I had when I was growing up. It doesn’t sound like much but I felt my past & present literally picked apart, judged, & mocked. My innermost desires & hurts were exposed. And I know it was just a dream. But haven’t you ever had a dream that felt real? Good, bad, or otherwise?

I felt I was coming out of this episode but this has left me feeling stuck. Since I woke up, I haven’t felt any kind of drive. I’m not motivated to take care of my Daily List nor am I in the mood to stay in bed all day. I’m in a depressive purgatory, a mental limbo if you will.

I’m slowly getting through this day. To compare it to yesterday, I got dressed but I sorta did my hair & makeup. I clipped my hair up & put on minimal makeup. Better than Tuesday when I didn’t do jack shit. It still feels like a step backward but that’s how it works. It’s never been a straight line.

Two steps forward, one step back.

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