A close friend of mine (DD) encouraged me to just write & show my struggles. My thoughts don’t have to be concise. Just write what’s in my heart. So that’s what I’m doing.
I’m still working through this episode. It’s currently 1420 & I’ve done jack shit today. I just recently got dressed & washed my face. That’s about it. Oh, I did make myself a cup of tea so I got that going for me.
My thoughts are scattered & I don’t have the energy to chase after them. I feel completely lost. Even writing this post is challenging. It’s taking everything in me to focus on the task at hand.
“But don’t you have to work?”
Yes, I do. And it fucking sucks. See, in this great country, we don’t recognize mental illness as a legitimate health concern to stay home (for some fucking reason). Hack all over the office & they send you home. Feel like blowing your brains out – sorry, you have to stay. How can you take time off when you don’t know when you can return? No employer is going to go for that. So we load up on stimulants like caffeine or uppers & push on.
“But I just saw you & you seemed fine?”
I’m not gonna bother you with what’s going on in my head. Even if I did, the last thing I need is a condescending response or pity. Besides, I’m good at hiding it.
“What’s wrong? What’s going on?”
No fucking clue. That’s how it works.
“Anything I can do?”
Nope. Nothing I can do either. I just have to wait it out & do my best to go forward.
“Wow. That sucks.”
Yes, it does.
The best part about depression is knowing when others get it. There are those who are mentally stable, want to help, can’t, & then brush you off. I’m not talking about those lucky assholes. I mean the ones who are in the trenches with you. I told DD about an hour ago that I finally got dressed. Their response? “You’re doing great.” ❤
See? They get it. Seemingly easy tasks that would otherwise be completed within 2 minutes feel like huge, daunting projects. You feel immediately overwhelmed & defeated before you even start.
Ugh. I want to go back to bed. I can’t think straight & my reactions are slow. It’s starting to affect my vision.
This is hell.
finding my truth 