Proudly selfish

Being selfish has such a negative connotation but there is a positive one as well. You can’t become so others-focused that you neglect your own life. There are times when you need to pull back & focus on you.

It makes me think of this quote & visual:

fill-your-cup-with-happiness

And much like that teacup, I’ve been empty for far too long. I have gotten better & I feel like I have some knowledge & arsenal to defend my sanity. However, I still find myself drained, physically & emotionally. It’s not enough. I need to do something drastic. Wipe the slate completely clean & start over. Maybe then I’ll find the balance.

If you’ve been following for the last few months, you know how this is an area that I’m trying to work on. It’s an interesting balance, to say the least. Where’s the line? And how do you know when you crossed it? For the good or for the bad?

About a week or so ago, I had three (count them – THREE) separate friends text me about their illnesses. I love them & care deeply about them. But it was too much. Not one of them asked me how I was doing or what was going on in my life. They just wanted me to know they were sick. Every day, I got an update on their sickness (even though I didn’t ask for it). This lasted for about a week.

It’s flu season; I get it.

But I realized I can’t be their doctor for them. We have friends so we can share about our lives, but we need to be careful that we don’t dump ALL of our problems on them. They’re our friends, not our therapists. There’s a reason licensed professionals are paid to listen to you. Your friends aren’t. Remember that distinction.

Anyway, this opportunity opened my eyes. I’m not going to spend my time & energy focused on others when I genuinely can’t help them. I can’t prescribe antibiotics or recommend a surgery. I won’t put everything on hold to listen to others’ problems & hold their hand through difficulties. As much as my heart would like to, the reality is I can’t do it anymore. I take on their issues & shoulder their pain. At the end of the day, I’m still drained & I’m unable to sleep.

In the past few days, I’ve stumbled upon different articles on mental & physical health. I’ve had this internal clicking going off. It’s almost as if everything has lined up for this moment. I feel like I’m ready. Ready for what? A massive change. I’ve been doing little by little, hoping for change, & I’m not getting the results I need fast enough. I still feel like I’m going to lose it. I think I just need a complete overhaul. So that’s my plan.

Starting February 1st, I’ll be taking 100 days to focus on my physical & mental health only. That means saying “no” to others, unfriending relational parasites, readjusting my sleep schedule, eating clean, hitting the gym, & proudly being selfish. I’ll still be here, keeping you updated, but I’ll definitely be quieter on social media.

I woke up with chest pains today & I’ve been snapping at loved ones. I need a break before I have another attack. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I fucking hate panic attacks.

Regardless, I’ll keep you posted…

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