I realized the other day how different I am from others. I have wonderful friends & coworkers whose lives look absolutely perfect. They all have amazing hair, amazing bodies, amazing smiles to go with their amazing families & live in their amazing houses. They seem to be all in a great mood & if trouble comes, they handle it with grace & dignity.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my jealousy.
My life isn’t as perfect, cookie-cutter as theirs. No, my cookie is broken. I’ve given so much of myself that I feel like all is left is crumbs. And who wants crumbs when you can have a beautiful cookie?
I know there’s more behind the scenes to their lives. I call it the Facebook Effect. It’s portraying this perfect, conflict-free life to give the appearance that you have it all together. Fuck that. I would rather be real.
So this is me being real. Crumbs & all.
I cut myself a few days ago. A close friend said something deeply painful & I immediately stopped, went into the kitchen, & grabbed a knife. It was too much for me to handle. We’ve since made up so all is well, but that was a weak moment for me.
The sad fact is there are some friends of mine I can’t talk about mental issues with them. Nothing against them. As I said, they are wonderful people. They just can’t relate.
In the past week, I’ve heard twice that taking medication for depression was a negative attribute (because I guess it’s better to be suicidal? And you wouldn’t say that to a diabetic taking insulin so why would you say it to those with mental illness?). I also heard another friend say she broke up with her boyfriend over his “emotional meltdown” upon hearing some terrible family news. I would’ve broken down like he did but I guess it’s better to be callous?
They don’t understand because it doesn’t fit into their perfect cookie world. That part of life was cut away from them so they don’t know about it. Ignorance at its finest. They are a beautifully decorated cookie with perfectly-piped icing & tangy gumdrop buttons.
You know the leftover scraps from cookie cutting? The pieces you roll up together because there isn’t enough to make a whole cookie? Yeah. That’s me. So, no, I don’t fit the mold. I never have. I’m just this broken cookie of a woman who tries to do her best. I may not be the prettiest cookie on the tray but I will be the most compassionate, most understanding, & most accepting.
Would you like a crumb?