I had an interesting dream last night…
I dreamt I was hooking up on the side with an old boyfriend. By “old,” I mean, I haven’t seen him or talked to him in at least 5 years & we very briefly dated 20 years ago. I don’t think about him so I’m not sure why I dreamt about him.
Oh, and just a side note, this wasn’t a sex dream. I think the most physical contact between us was when he grabbed my hand as we were walking. Ooh. Saucy. 😉
Anyway, we were at this snazzy hotel & we were gonna check in for the night. We’re at the front desk & I’m seeing all of these old friends of mine. Again, people I haven’t spoken to in years. My hair was in disarray, leftover makeup on my face, & I’m wearing a large shirt (I think it was his?) & panties. I didn’t even have shoes on. I was a mess. I basically looked like the girl from The Ring. Yeah. Like that.
He, of course, looked great. Bastard. 😉 I was envious that he was pulled together but I wasn’t. He told me it wasn’t a big deal & he didn’t care but I was deeply embarrassed. I felt exposed & naked. I could feel the judgmental eyes on me & I was trying to hide my face. He wasn’t bothered by it & kept talking to the front desk about getting a room. I woke up shortly afterward.
So here’s what I think it means. Feel free to give me your interpretation as well.
I think looking disheveled while everyone else looked good is a reflection of how I feel about myself. I don’t feel pulled together or as accomplished as my peers. I’m embarrassed by my struggles & how they’ve affected my outlook over the years. Those who I used to idolize I feel like would be ashamed of how I am now. As if I somehow disappointed them?
The fact he wasn’t bothered by it is interesting to me. Like maybe he’s supposed to represent love & how love doesn’t care because it sees the real you. Love isn’t bothered with the outside because it’s what’s on the inside that counts. I realize I sound like a Hallmark card at the moment but I think you get my point. 😉
So what now?
I guess I continue to work on me & hope my subconscious will come around.