I’m not sure how to talk to you about how I’m feeling without coming across as cold, calloused, or closed off. I’ll do my best to make my feelings clear.
I’m not angry. I’m not bitter. I’m not vengeful. I’m…nothing, really. I have no strong opinion on certain issues anymore. Am I becoming more focused on my concerns? Am I learning to not let molehills stop me like mountains? Or maybe I’m just really embracing those 5 little words…
I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.
Again, I’m not spiteful. I have no genuine cause of concern for some people or situations. I’m “neutral”, quasi-numb to it all. I wish them well but I won’t waste my time & energy with them anymore. I feel like floating right past them.
I’ve always been the friend who’s readily available. I will cry with you, laugh with you, plot a murder with you. 😉 But something has been shifting in me. I’m learning that I can’t give my heart to others. It’s a precious gemstone & it doesn’t deserve to be treated like gravel. So maybe I shouldn’t be so readily available. Maybe taking this step back to focus on me & to get my whole self in line needs to be my top priority.
So by doing that, I find myself not caring (for lack of a better phrase) about others who want to bathe in petty shit. I’ve had several examples lately but here’s one to give you an idea: A few days ago, I had a Facebook friend get mad at me (for something I didn’t do). When I tried to talk to her about it to understand her, she immediately blocked me. My first reaction? I laughed. I couldn’t believe a grown-ass woman would throw such a temper tantrum. Now normally, I would lose sleep over it, going over details non-stop, trying to figure out where I went wrong. But lately? IDGAF. Be mad at me, love me, whatever. I don’t seem to be swayed one way or the other.
A close friend thinks it’s a side effect of depression. I’m not sure. I’ve been depressed for about 20 years & I’ve never had this issue before. This is a new area for me. I’m not sure how to decipher this crazy web of an enigma I’m stuck in. I’m definitely taking baby steps through it. And I am trying to not come across as cold or insensitive.
I guess I should apologize if I unintentionally hurt your feelings but…I can’t…
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