So I believe I mentioned before I left on vacation how I felt like I didn’t deserve it. That was a common thought in the back of my mind. And I get it. It’s just depression. Like a demonic shadow, it hovers over me & speaks its lies into my ear. Sometimes, I can push it away & like a cloud of smoke, it disperses. Other times, I’m like, “Hmm…that’s a good point.” Why am I like this? Who knows?
But throughout my whole vacation, I felt like it was a dream. I was waiting for the “wake up” from it all. I was upgraded (for free!) into a beautiful room but I felt like it was undeserved. I had saved money for MONTHS for this trip, specifically to do it debt free. I still felt like I needed to take a step back to reality. I’m not a frivolous spender. I’m talking stupid shit like, “Well, I’m on vacation & I want steak, but I should probably order the chicken because I’m not worthy of this.” Sigh. That nonsense kept going over & over in my head. And so, I would either shut down or try to mentally push through it. Oh, by the way, I ended up under budget, so it really didn’t matter.
It’s really hard for me to treat myself. I have flashbacks of being a child & hearing my parents tell me, “no” repeatedly. I’m not saying it’s 100% their fault but I do believe it impacted me negatively. Eventually, I got to the point where I stopped asking. I already knew the answer. Fast forward to adulthood & you’ll find me telling myself, “no” because it’s expected. I don’t feel worthy.
Again, I’m a work in progress. I’m trying to teach myself that it’s okay to relax & have fun. It’s okay to spend money on myself. And I do deserve happiness, contentment, & tremendous love.
Oh, I’m proud to say that I DID order the steak. Filet mignon, no less. 😉