Ugh. Still in this funk.
The good news is I can tell I’m “over the hump.” I only cried a little bit today & I got more done at work & at home. I do work hard to not let it affect my jobs. I plaster on a smile, grind my teeth, & press on. Of course, once I get alone, I usually break down. The pressure gets to be too much. Sadly, I don’t think my bosses would appreciate me calling in “mentally sick.” Especially when I have no clue how long each episode will last. Sigh. Yay, society.
Today was more of feeling rejected. I’m deep in my head & overthinking anything & everything. I’m trying really hard to not take things personally. Little remarks being said, little actions sliding under the table, little things that I’m sure anyone else would ignore. It’s eating me alive. I’ve been playing conversations & previous events over & over & OVER in my head. Could I have said or done anything differently? Did they misread my heart? Should I just leave? I feel like such an inconvenience. Even trying to reach out, I feel glossed over. I’m just not as important as I thought. It hurts. Pure & simple as that.
It’s only 1940 & I’m seriously considering going to bed early. I’m spent. I woke up exhausted with chest pains. Not as bad as a panic attack but that’s probably because of the meds. I want to crawl in bed, get under the covers, & just be.
Here’s hoping tomorrow will be different…