I had a GREAT dream last night (read: sarcasm). I woke up feeling shitty & defeated.
I dreamt I was back in high school. For some reason, my graduating class had to redo our senior year. So here were a bunch of 33, 34, 35 year olds taking classes again.
One of my high school best friends had her locker next to mine. She showed me her schedule. She was in all AP classes & acted like it was no big deal. In reality, she was an average student but we were always in competition with each other. I felt threatened & stupid. For some reason, I couldn’t get into any of them. The first day hadn’t started yet & I already felt behind & defeated, which is how I felt back then.
I went to my first class (it was English) & sat in the back. I couldn’t read what the teacher was writing on the board & I was annoyed at myself for not having my glasses. I had to borrow a notebook & a pen from my best friend. To say I was ill-prepared would be an understatement. It was like a mental leg sweep. My anxiety was crazy high.
I sat next to my high school crush. I was trying to be cute & flirty with him. I’m not sure it worked lol. I think he felt pity for me. We had to break up into partners & he turned away towards some other girl. That stung a little but it was expected.
English finally ended & I went to my next class, unsure of what had happened. Everyone seemed so sure & confident. I was holding back tears & shuffling to my next class. Again, true to form.
Suddenly, it was lunch. I decided to quickly go to the office & see about changing my schedule. There were a lot of people & I got pushed aside. My boss was in charge & she was clearly overwhelmed. She told me to deal with it & just move on (she wouldn’t do that in real life). Lunch was over & had to go to my next class. I was hungry & out of time. I had wasted my time. I just wanted this day to end.
My next class was some kind of science class. It was like the bastard child of biology & chemistry. No one knew what was going on but the teacher. Another best friend from high school came to me crying. She had just gotten news that her mom had died of cancer. This sociopath of a teacher refused to let her leave the room. I had had enough. I angrily cried & spoke up on her behalf. Teacher couldn’t care less & kicked me out. I called him something like a “fucking worthless excuse for a teacher” & I “pitied his wife couldn’t be with a real man.” I stormed out, went to my locker, & cried. I wouldn’t graduate with my friends & I didn’t know what this meant to my future. At least, I had my pride & I did what I felt was right.
Then I woke up.
finding my truth 